i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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