Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
