Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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