idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
