did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
