Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
