He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
