I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
They have beer where we have blood.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
