Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
