where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
