I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
