dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
