I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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