I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
