he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
