Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
