I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Who died my cat blue again?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
