I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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