And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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