I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
