How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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