I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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