I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
ttyl tear gas
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
