Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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