Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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