that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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