She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
