Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
