i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
