she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
