omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
