I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
