Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
