So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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