just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
