We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
