they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
