I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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