remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
