His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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