If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
