I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
