We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
