You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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