This girl is more easily done than said...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
