Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
