and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
