So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
