Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Two words: blizzard sex
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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