I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
