What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
